Sex Talk

Recently, my 13 year old girl and I were invited to a mother-daughter retreat. And glossing over the fact that I am not, technically the mother, I said sure and dutifully attended the pre-retreat planning meeting. I and about 7 other moms met on a Sunday morning in one of the pre-school classrooms at church.

Maybe I’m just stunningly naïve, but I thought this was a bonding, cheesy crafts, chick-movies and popcorn kind of weekend. I figured we’d don our fuzzy bunny slippers and share with our girls how much God loves them and whatnot. Imagine my shock and horror when it turned out the movie we’d be watching was all about sex.

I sat there in a tiny chair, surrounded by bright primary colors and watched a generic looking white lady with a unisom voice gush about “special gifts” and blood flow. And oh sweet merciful lord, there were pictures – not just pictures, drawings.

When the freak show finally ended (did you catch that clever little pun I just made there? It was freakish AND about freakin’! No? No one else thinks that is hilarious? Sorry, back to my story) the other moms looked at each other and smiled.  What a purrrrfect video that was, so well done, what a great way to bridge the awkward gap with our daughters.

Was everyone else watching the same video? ‘Cause that was LAME with a capital LAME. This is the focal point of the retreat?

I pulled out of that faster than, uh, well never mind. Let’s just say I sent a very polite email saying that this retreat was not right for our family but thanks for the invite.

Maybe the problem is a generational one. I am significantly closer in age to the 5^th and 6^th grade girls than any other of the other adults. No matter how old I feel when I creak out of bed in the morning, my own teenage years really weren’t that long ago. And this kind of church sex education was just as popular then as it apparently is now.

What a shame.

I know this crap, I learned it myself. I don’t want my girl exposed to it. I do not want her to think her self-worth is housed entirely in her genitals. Sex is not, now or ever, the only valuable thing she has to offer a man. I also don’t want her to buy into the lie of the secular world that sex is just a recreational activity. I want her to have a healthy and realistic view of sex and its accompanying consequences and responsibilities.

The church teaches that sex outside of marriage is this shameful, dirty, horrible, unfulfilling cheap imitation and sex inside of marriage is this sparkly, beautiful fairy land. I might be stoned for saying this, but sex is just sex you guys. It’s great, but it’s also squelchy and potentially embarrassing, not to mention a whole new world of sounds and smells. Married sex is not mechanically any different from evil fornication.

So why wait?

Remember those consequences and responsibilities I mentioned earlier? Yeah, those are called Narsty Goopy Diseases and Babies (also goopy but not so narsty). The former you don’t want ever, and the latter is infinitely better served having two grown-up, married parents, preferably with at least one job between them.

But wait, there’s more! The Bible doesn’t contain the words “saving yourself for marriage” or “how far is too far?” but it does talk about love fairly extensively. Christians have a responsibility to love one another unselfishly – just like Christ loved us. Jumping into bed with someone because you’re too impatient to wait is pretty selfish. Love is actually one of the pieces of evidence (or “fruits” as some might say) that the Spirit lives in us. So, by the way, is patience. And hey, would you look at that, the list of evidences for the Spirit’s presence culminates in: self-control.

Self. Control. My goodness that’s useful. You can rise above hormonal urges and hot dudes. With the help of the Spirit, you can say no, both now, to your horny boyfriend AND later, to the attractive gentleman hitting on you at the gym who probably would never fart in bed like your husband. Temptation, just like sex, does not magically become different because of a wedding ceremony. It’s always there but all that great practice you had bench pressing self-control while you were single will give you the strength to resist temptation even after he put a ring on it.

This is what I want my girl to know: she is valuable and precious as a whole person. I want her to be unselfish and loving in all aspects of her life. I want her to learn to have control over herself and reject all things harmful, whether it be drugs, skeevy sex or just too many cookies and not enough carrots. I want her to be whole and healthy, daily seeking the presence of God’s Holy Spirit.

So we didn’t go on the retreat. But we did continue our conversation about love and sex and boys. And I didn’t even have to draw any creepy pictures!